Avoiding Awkward Silence: How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving

Grief and loss are inevitable, profoundly painful parts of life. Whether due to the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, job loss, health changes, or other significant life events, everyone will experience grief in some form.  

Trying to support a bereaved loved one can be extremely challenging. The grief process often includes stages such as initial numbness, shock, disbelief, denial, and confusion, followed by anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually, acceptance. However, grief does not always follow a linear path and can shift between stages. Once one understands the grieving process, there are practical ways to help. 

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Stages of Grief and How to Support Loved Ones  

Stage 1: Numbness, Shock, Disbelief, and Denial 

During this initial stage, the bereaved may experience "adaptive denial" as a form of self-preservation. The psyche can only handle so much at once, so denial can be a way to cope with the overwhelming reality. If you are supporting someone in this stage, be present and patient. Allow them to express their feelings without judgment or pressure to "move on." 

Stage 2: Anger and Crisis of Faith 

Anger is a common response to loss and may be directed at a higher power, the deceased, or oneself. The bereaved may feel life is unfair and question, "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" Bargaining is also typical, with thoughts like, "If only I had done something differently, they would still be here." As a supporter, acknowledge their anger and refrain from offering platitudes. Simply listen and validate their feelings. 

Stage 3: Guilt 

Guilt often accompanies grief. The bereaved may feel guilty for not spending enough time with their loved one or for unresolved issues. It's crucial to encourage them to have grace for themselves, forgive themselves, and accept that they have no control over the situation. Remind them that it's natural to have these feelings and that forgiveness is a part of the healing process. 

Stage 4: Depression 

Depression can be the most painful stage of grief. It can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the bereaved may experience deep sadness, social withdrawal, and a loss of interest in life. Encourage them to seek professional help if needed. Talk therapy can be beneficial, and in some cases, medication might be necessary. Encourage them to reach out to religious or spiritual advisors if applicable. Support groups and not isolating themselves are also vital. Remind them that healing takes time and that they do not have to go through this alone. 

Stage 5: Acceptance 

Eventually, the bereaved can come to terms with the loss and work on acceptance. This stage doesn't mean forgetting a loved one or no longer feeling sadness but finding a way to live with the loss. Supporters can help by being there for practical needs, offering to help with meals and errands, and simply listening more than talking. Avoid minimizing their loss or putting a positive spin on their grief. 

Practical Ways to Support Someone Who Is Grieving 

It is common to feel powerless when trying to support someone who is grieving. It is important to let the person mourn in their own way in their own time, but there are things you can do to help.  

• Be Present: Sometimes, just being there is enough. Your presence can provide comfort even if you don’t know what to say. 
• Offer Practical Help: Offer to help with meals, errands, and other daily tasks. 
• Listen More Than You Talk: Allow the bereaved to express their feelings without trying to fix their pain. 
• Respect Their Process: Everyone grieves differently. Avoid comparing their process to others or suggesting they should be "over it" by a certain time. 
• Encourage Professional Help: If the bereaved struggle to cope, encourage them to seek professional help, such as talk therapy, support groups, or medical advice. 

Recognizing Complicated Grief 

Sometimes, grief can become complicated or prolonged, leading to issues such as adjustment disorder. It's not uncommon for people to experience passive thoughts of death or suicidal thoughts. If this occurs, it’s crucial to seek help immediately. 

Supporting a loved one through grief can be challenging, but your presence and patience can make a significant difference. Understand that grief is a complex and personal journey, and the best support you can offer is your compassionate presence and understanding. 

Tammy-Sue D’Urso is a licensed social worker at Foundation Counselling and Wellness.

Resources Available 

• National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline- call or text 988 
• Crisis Text Line- text HOME to 741-741 in the US 
• Home Health and Hospice in your area- bereavement/grief support groups available 
• The Compassionate Friends- supporting families after death of a child 
• Southern NH Medical Center Child Loss Support Group